Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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United Steaks of America
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Well well well…
choose your gary
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.