Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Batman v Dracula
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*