I don’t think my car can fly
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs