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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
courtroom exchange of the day