I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Left at a local drug store…
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a