I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Breaking news:
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.