I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.