Shower sex be like:
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*