Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
#oldknees
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes