Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really