I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.