date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
R.I.P.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week