“I’m helping” 😅
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
who wore it better?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.