the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
😜
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.