If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
saving face 👀
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.