Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”