– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Yoga Matt
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*