(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*