Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
nice challenge
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?