My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
is it earth
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.