[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
A Short Story.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
At least chocolate chip cookies don鈥檛 look like brains. I鈥檓 talking about you, cauliflower.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That鈥檚 better, now flare his nostrils like he鈥檚 excited about a sale.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Friend: I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can鈥檛 sleep?
6: Dad, what鈥檚 the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.