The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
What
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
It be like that sometimes 😆
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together