[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning