I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!