ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.