Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.