I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?