Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS