Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My neck my back my allergy attack
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
pelicons
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.