[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I feel attacked.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.