Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
pat pat
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
You’ll be OK
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
This a good idea
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]