I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
an octopus is just a wet spider
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
(more comics:
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.