For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess