Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!