Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”