He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*checks Timeline*…
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella