This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?