handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Not today
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it