Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.