🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Meow
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.