We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*puts my mental health in rice
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.