I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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