Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.