Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
You Might Also Like
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Mummies are just super modest zombies
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Hello Twits.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?