Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.