“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
🤔😂😂
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.