My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.