If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
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The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Mission: Impossible
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.