JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
getting groceries
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
adam and eve had first world problems
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Liquor Store Parking
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”