Liquor Store Parking
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*